get thee to a nunnery

So I've just been assigned to read Hamlet for the umpteenth time in my life. I kid you not: after reading it for fun on my own two or three times when I was about 11, I have read this play for classes in junior high, high school, English 251, English 291, Humanities 202, some other generals class, and now, of course, my Shakespeare class. I currently own three copies of it. I've written a half-dozen papers on it. I can walk straight to the Hamlet section of the library with no call numbers to guide me--and yes, it does have its own section. I've seen at least four film adaptations of it, some of them many times.

I used to like this play. Really, I did--ten years ago. That's why I used to read it on my own. But I'm getting kind of sick of it now. I've got some facility for memorization, which is usually a good thing; with this, though, it's getting to the point where I've got big chunks of the script memorized, and being asked to read it again is not my idea of a party. Typically at this point I'd just forget about reading it for class and call it good, but we're graded on if we read it or not so I'm kind of up a creek, so to speak.

So. Here you go. I'm going to skim this play for what is hopefully the last time for a long time, and to prove (mostly to myself) that I do know this thing, I'm going to record my own abbreviation below. It's unfortunately not going to be funny, at least not on purpose; I couldn't find the Reduced Shakespeare Company's script for it online, or I'd definitely just cite that instead. But this should cover the bases well enough that I can justify letting this play gather some dust on my shelf for a while.

___________________

Hamlet, Prince of Denmark
Act 1
Scene 1

Francisco & Bernardo: We're skittish guards.
Horatio & Marcello: We're your friends.
Francisco & Bernardo: Well, we've been seeing a ghost lately.
All four: Holy crap! A ghost!
Horatio: Talk to us, ghostie. Ghost leaves
Marcello: You scared it off, man.
Horatio: Weird stuff, guys. Oh, by the way, Norway's mad at us and they're gonna make war.
Bernardo: That sucks. Maybe the ghost has something to do with it.
Horatio: True that. Oh snap--there's the ghost again! Hey, ghostie, what's the deal with this war? Ghost leaves
Everyone: Dangit.
Horatio: Let's go tell Hamlet. Maybe it'll talk to him.
Marcellus: Good plan. Everyone leaves

Scene 2

Claudius: I'm the new king since the old one died, and it's bugging me that Hamlet's all mopey about it. Oh, and I hope Norway doesn't attack us.
Two random servants: We'll go tell them you hope so.
Claudius: Great. Oh, hey, Laertes, what's shakin'?
Laertes: I wanna go back to France.
Claudius: Is that ok with your dad?
Polonius: Yeah, fine, whatever.
Claudius: Ok by me. Hey, look, it's my nephew-turned-stepson Hamlet.
Hamlet: I'm mopey.
Gertrude: Cheer up, son. Everyone dies.
Hamlet: Yeah, but I'm really depressed.
Claudius: Yep, we noticed. Knock it off. I'm your dad now, and no, you can't go back to school--we want you here.
Hamlet: Fine. Whatever. Everyone else leaves Holy crap, I'm so depressed! I could just kill myself! It really weirds me out that my mom married my uncle less than a month after my dad died. Oh, crap, here come more people--I've gotta quit moaning.
Horatio, Marcellus, Bernardo: Hamlet!
Hamlet: Guys!
Horatio: So...about that funeral...
Hamlet: Yeah, too bad, huh?
Horatio: Yeah. So, about your dad...
Hamlet: Yeah, too bad, huh?
Horatio: Oh, hey, we totally saw his ghost last night, man.
Hamlet: What the heck?!
Horatio: Yeah, it was really weird.
Hamlet: What the heck?!
Horatio: Yeah. We couldn't get him to say anything.
Hamlet: I'm totally staying up with you guys tonight.
Horatio, Marcellus, Bernardo: Cool. They leave
Hamlet: Something fishy is going on here. He leaves


Okay, so maybe I'm getting tired of doing this. Anyone else want to contribute a scene or two?